Unlock the Secrets of True Self-Care: A New Perspective with Therapist Melissa Dumaz

Discover the secret to genuine self-care without breaking the bank! In our season opener of the Let Me Interrupt podcast, we welcome the brilliant Melissa Dumaz, a licensed marriage and family therapist, to unravel the myths around self-care. Melissa helps us redefine self-care not as a luxury but as a necessary lifestyle, particularly for moms and working women who often find themselves at the bottom of their priority list.

Together, we unpack the essential tools for identifying your personal self-care needs and the critical importance of setting boundaries to maintain balance and be your best self in all aspects of life. Ever wondered what true self-care looks like? Think of it as a personal shoe shopping experience—trying on various activities until you find the perfect fit. We'll guide you through building a holistic self-care regimen that nourishes your mind, body, and spirit with activities like exercise, journaling, therapy, and mindfulness.

We also touch on the significance of evaluating your support network and the courage it takes to ask for help. Plus, learn when it might be time to seek professional help and how to start that journey. Tune in for a transformative conversation that promises to reframe how you prioritize yourself, complete with a powerful journal prompt to kickstart your self-care journey.


Stay in touch via…

Podcast: The Hats Podcast
https://www.thehatspodcast.com/

Book: The Love Challenge: 30 Days, 30 Ways To Increase The Love In Your Relationship
https://a.co/d/eu8DV61

Social Media:

@MelissaDumaz 

@UHelpYou 

Chapters

• 0:05 The Power of Self-Care
• 15:10 Building a Supportive Self-Care Network
• 20:03 Recognizing the Need for Help

Transcript

Cindy Mendez: 0:05

hello, hello, welcome back to the let me interrupt podcast. And yes, I'm back to interrupt your daily routine with some wisdom from our speakers, with some banter, with just some talking, a little break for you during your week. This season is going to be amazing and it's jam-packed with guests and I'm so thankful to those of you who are here to listen to me. This season it will just be me as your lead host. We wish Melissa the absolute best, but it's just going to be you and I, our listener, just going on this ride. We are rebranding.

Cindy Mendez: 0:52

As far as you know, a lot of our content is always incorporating a parenting or motherhood component, and so we're making it official, I'm making it official, I'm making it official. I can't let go of the we. I'm sorry I missed you, melissa, but it'll be. When I say we, it's all of our community here. So I am just so excited as a mom. You all might not know, but I have a three-year-old who is my special little boy and runs my life. So I'm excited to incorporate some of that parenting stuff into our talks. And don't worry, if you're not a parent or, you know, don't want to be ever, that's okay. We still have a lot of rich content around being successful in the workplace, being a woman in a workplace, and just some raw conversations about being us.

Cindy Mendez: 1:54

And so why not kick off the episode with Melissa Dumas, who is a distinguished licensed marriage and family therapist with advanced training in EMDR and Reiki certification? As a best-selling author, dynamic speaker, influential life coach and the host of the Hats podcast and we'll link that below Melissa brings a transformational support for high achievers who have made the decision that nothing will stop them from reaching their highest potential, including their self-neglect and past trauma. Melissa's holistic mindset and whole life healing school thought is her core focus in lending her support to high achievers as they tackle the daily pressures of personal and professional life. So, melissa, I'm going to give you a really tough question to start out with, but it is going to set the basis for the rest of the season. And so we have heard over and over again self-care. You have to do it, but let's start at a very, very basic level. What is self-care and, from your perspective, how do we even begin to incorporate that into our lives?

Melissa Dumaz: 3:10

great question. Um, you're right, self-care is, um, become quite the buzzword, um, and some people may see it as like, oh, it's so cliche, it's overused, we overhear it that maybe even some people have become numb to it. They're like, I'm tired of hearing about self-care. But the reality is, like anything that we hear that like is like cliche or like a buzzword that it does have value. That that's why it's gained such popularity, or that's why it's gained such attention is because there is value to it, and even though you may not be giving it value in your life, it still has value. So the big question is what is self care? What exactly does that mean?

Melissa Dumaz: 3:49

Self care is any and everything that you do to take care of yourself, and some of the misconceptions about self care is that some people think it's expensive, some people think that self care is a luxury item, some people think that it's a once in a while experience, or they also think that they don't have time for it.

Melissa Dumaz: 4:07

And the truth is, self-care is a way of life. Some people may even say that self-care is a lifestyle, and so when you're making it a way of life or making it a lifestyle, then ultimately it becomes second nature in the ways that you take care of yourself and, ultimately, to know what self-care means for you, because it that you take care of yourself. And, ultimately, to know what self-care means for you, because it's different for all of us. It's also about knowing yourself, knowing what refills your cup, knowing what puts you in a position mentally, emotionally, physically so that you can show up as your most optimal self. Even when you think about giving to other people, do you want to give them a watered down version of you, or do you want to give them your optimal self and people meaning friends, family, your place of business or your work or wherever you're sharing parts of you? And so if I'm taking the time to pour back into myself, then I can consistently flow or consistently give a healthy version of myself flow or consistently give a healthy version of myself.

Cindy Mendez: 5:08

And you know, what makes it difficult, too, is there's often a price tag that's advertised when it comes to every, every piece of information that we get with self-care right, like you have to go get your nails done, that's going to cost now you know, depending on what you do 40 to 80 to a hundred to $200. And so that, okay, I got self-care and emotionally, but like now, my wallet's depleted and that isn't helpful. So can you talk to us a little bit about the challenges that you have seen? Either moms or working women in general are feeling. That makes it difficult to identify what that might be and how to make time for themselves, to how to make time for themselves with self-care.

Melissa Dumaz: 5:53

While self-care can come with a price tag, the truth is it doesn't have to. So, even knowing your limits, that's self-care. Knowing what your boundaries are, that self-care. And so what does that mean? How do we identify what those limits are? How do we learn those parts of us?

Melissa Dumaz: 6:12

A few things that come up for me are one I noticed that moms that work is that we tend to put ourselves last, and so we get up and we're thinking about our family or we're thinking about our job or thinking about our to-do list. But if I were to ask you, or any working mom that's listening, when is the last time you thought about yourself? First? We may hear silence. We may hear think about my like, what, like I became a mom, like I can't or I don't, or I work, like I can't think about my like, what? Like I became a mom, like I can't or I don't, or I work like I can't think about myself. And the truth is, if you're not thinking about yourself, then who is? Because you're thinking about your kids, you're thinking about your partner, you're thinking about your job and, depending on what type of job you have, they may or may not be thinking about you, but you're thinking about your job, because your job is also part of your livelihood and how you provide for your family. The other challenge that I've noticed in working moms is they don't see self-care as a me-too opportunity, that sometimes they think like, oh, if I do something for myself, or if I do something for myself first, then that's selfish and it's like no, self-care isn't selfish. Self-care is a me to opportunity, and I'll use myself as an example.

Melissa Dumaz: 7:30

When I gained, I would say, a lot of my weight not all of it, but a but a nice amount of my weight was after pregnancy and I was focused on getting lunch for my children, and so I would go into the kitchen and I'm like, okay, the kids have to eat, and so I would make their lunch.

Melissa Dumaz: 7:48

And then, when they're done eating their lunch, I find myself snacking on like their leftover sandwich or their leftover, like fruit and what I learned in order to pour back into myself and to eat the meal that puts me at my best optimal health for my body. While I'm in the kitchen making their lunch, I'm also in the kitchen making my lunch, and so that is a me too opportunity. While I'm in the kitchen preparing a meal for them, I'm also thinking okay, well, I want a salad. Well, you know what, let me make my salad first, so then I'm not snacking on their food which isn't on my eating plan or my meal plan, so that I can focus on nourishing myself and pouring into my body. And so two misconceptions, just to reiterate we're not thinking about ourselves, or we're not putting ourselves on our to-do list, or we're putting ourselves last or not at all. And then we're not seeing self-care as a me too opportunity to include ourselves as well as well.

Cindy Mendez: 8:48

Mom guilt yeah, you hit a nerve because I know mom guilt and I'm sure a lot of our listeners know mom guilt so deeply. There are times where I think one I probably need therapy. But maybe I'm hoping some others feel like this, where I kind of see it what I have free time, like I'm working. Let's say there's a day I work eight hours, that is my me time for working, and I have the afternoon I have free to me. That I think okay, that time is 100% for my son to me. That I think okay, that time is 100% for my son.

Cindy Mendez: 9:24

Because if it's not, like am I a bad mom, like that I have the free time and don't give it to him. Or if not, if my son is asleep, then it's time for me to be a wife. And so I want to give the free time to my husband. And it's very different. I enjoy being with my husband, but it's very different than my own personal space time. And so that's me being a wife role right, like, even if it's sitting right next to each other doing something I would do by myself. Anyway, I'm still being a wife. And then, finally, you know, when it's like 3am, everyone's asleep, I'm by myself, that's me.

Cindy Mendez: 10:11

Time Like that is where I can feel not guilty, not choked up, because, you know, I'm not taking time away from the baby, the baby's sleeping, I'm not taking time away from being a wife, my husband's doing whatever, and so at that time it feels kind of like debilitating and I feel withered and I'm like fighting because now my body's tired but I have to squeeze in that moment of like just scrolling through TikTok and or doing audio books or whatever, of just me. But that is like a very brief tired moment and so it could be really hard to strike the balance. I'm sure that others have it. I know my husband, you know sometimes I see him like, oh, I got everything done and I was able to like spend time, you know, watching a show I wanted, and I don't know how he does it. I don't know how their parents do it, but at least for me that's not something that I've mastered. So you know I've said a lot. Do you have anything to reflect upon based on that?

Melissa Dumaz: 11:25

I'm glad that you brought up the word guilt, because mom guilt, dad guilt, parent guilt it's a real thing, so I don't want to minimize it and I don't want to act like it's not. I think there are some key questions to ask ourselves when we find that guilt coming up, and some of those key questions are is my child safe? Are they, is my child fed? Are they protected? Are they taken care of? And if I, if we can answer yes to those things, then that can help, hopefully help to move us from lessening or from separating ourselves from the guilt that we feel about not doing something or not doing something up to the standards of, of who knows what, whose standards, whose standards are these? Anyway, you know, it's our life, we get to choose the standards that we set for ourselves. And so, even if you're thinking like okay, I ate my lunch, my child is fed, happy, well and healthy, then like we're good.

Melissa Dumaz: 12:18

And the other question we have to ask ourselves, the other thing that we have to think about is if self-love says I love you, then self-care says prove it, prove it. It's in your actions, it's in the things that you do to show up and to say that I love me and I think a lot of times we grapple with like doing something for ourselves means that we're taking away from our family or from our children or from our work, but the truth is doing something for ourselves. We're investing back to be able to have the energy, the wherewithal, the capacity to be able to show up for our partners, to show up for our children, to show up for our work. It's like putting gas in the car. If you don't have any gas in the car, or if you haven't charged your car if you have an EV, guess where you're going? Nowhere.

Cindy Mendez: 13:04

And that's powerful, you know, of course you know, but for our listeners, I hope you're still putting yourselves together here, because I know I could be on the edge of tears at any moment. But as we kind of transition here, can you share some practical self-care tips that um women can take, or anybody um, but somewhere where we can strike a balance and and find where our middle point is when it comes to filling our cup um and also doing what is required and expected of us?

Melissa Dumaz: 13:47

Absolutely. The first thing that comes to mind is I think it's important for us to eliminate the word balance. Balance gives us this understanding that things have to be equal or that we have to get to like some sort of equilibrium, when the truth is, life can get crazy and sometimes work is going to need more of us, sometimes we're going to need more of ourselves, sometimes our partner's going to need more of us, sometimes our family's going to need more of us or our children, and so how can we find harmony in all the ways that we are spreading ourselves or that we are sharing ourselves with other people? Because even on the day that, like work or your partner may need more of you, does that mean that you give less of yourself? No, not necessarily. That means what can I give myself in this moment so that I can create some harmony for the amount of me that I have to give away or that I'm not giving away, but that I'm sharing with work and other spaces. So the first point is eliminating or replacing that word balance with harmony, and harmony is more about creating this peace, and balance is more about creating equilibrium or equality, and in some ways, things are not equal in the ways that we're showing up, in the ways that we're sharing ourselves, but if we can find harmony in the way that we're showing up, in the ways that we're sharing ourselves, but if we can find harmony in the way that we're showing up, in the ways that we sharing, sharing ourselves, and that gives us some sense of peace about all of these hats that we wear. The other thing, in regards to how do we identify what is our self-care? Like what? What do I like to do? What fills my cup?

Melissa Dumaz: 15:17

I look at self-care and self-care tools as like shoe shopping and I use that visual because I like shoe shopping. I don't know if everyone else does. So use any visual that you like. If you like produce shopping, then use that. But you know, yeah, I like shoe shopping and when I go shoe shopping I will try a shoe on, like I'll walk the aisles and see what catches my eye. If I'm not shopping off of like, hey, I need a tennis shoe or I need a heel, I'm just leisurely shopping I'll try a shoe on, I'll look at it and then, when you try it on, you may go to the mirror, you may walk in it, you may look around or you may even visualize, like what outfit do I have in my closet that this is gonna be nice with? And so self-care is the same.

Melissa Dumaz: 15:57

Pick one from a list or from other suggestions that you or ideas that you have, or things that you've seen other people try and try it on. You don't really know if it's your thing or if it's going to fit or pair with your life until you try it on. And when I say try it on, that doesn't mean like yeah, I did it one time and it's not my thing. Sometimes we can do something one time and it's not our thing. But if you're still like I'm not really sure about it, then try it a couple times before you decide to give up on it.

Melissa Dumaz: 16:25

And when we are looking at what is helpful for our self-care, it's also important to identify what are the things that are helpful for my mind, body and spirit. Self-care isn't just one dimensional. It is also about taking care of all the parts of us, and we all have many parts of us and parts of us that need to be fed. Like self-care for your body may be a specific diet or it may be a specific movement, like you may like walking or hiking Self-care for your mind may be journaling or therapy or affirmations. Self-care for your spirit may be prayer or yoga or mindfulness, or retreats or vacations. It just depends on what are the things that fill your spirit. And self-care also for your mind, body and spirit. Maybe, like we said earlier, setting those boundaries, communicating your needs, saying no when you wanna say no, not saying yes when you really wanna say no. All those things go into the self-care buckets.

Cindy Mendez: 17:21

Now, thanks for breaking that down. A part of this that I'm also interested in is support. You know, who do we have around ourselves to help, and how can we determine what is a good support system? You know, sometimes the people that are meant to be the pillars are not, and so can you give us your thoughts around the best way to analyze our support system, and are you in that, knowing if you're in that optimal space that best suits you and your wellbeing.

Melissa Dumaz: 18:04

That is another question that starts with you. Does it feel like they're taking more than what you can give? Does it feel like you're in a support system where you are pouring, pouring, pouring, but no one's pouring back into you? Does it feel like that you're a giver surrounded by takers? Does it feel like you are the quote strong friend that's always showing up for everybody else but no one shows up for you? Does it feel like you are the good listener, so everyone calls you to dump on you, but they don't listen to you when you need someone to talk to, and so that is doing a assessment of your circle and identifying that.

Melissa Dumaz: 18:42

The other thing, too, is being open to being vulnerable and asking for help, because sometimes we have circles that were surrounded by people that would love to help us but they're like oh, cindy's got it all together, like she goes to work, she handles her family, she has a podcast, like she doesn't need my help or I don't see where she needs me, but I need her.

Melissa Dumaz: 19:01

And we haven't openly, vulnerably, authentically shared with our circle or someone in our circle to say, like you know what I really need help with X, y and Z.

Melissa Dumaz: 19:12

So being open to asking for that help before we decide that our current circle or current community is not willing to or not capable of. Once we have solicited for that help and given them a chance to show up for us and they are showing us that they can't or they're not willing to or don't have the capacity, then we can start exploring outside of that, like okay, well, maybe I need to explore some other support networks, whether that's through mommy groups or professional organizations that we want to belong to, or clubs or memberships, or soliciting for other people that enjoy doing the things that you want to belong to, or clubs or memberships, or soliciting for other people that enjoy doing the things that you like to do, like, if you like hiking, maybe there's a hiking group that you can join or be a part of. If you like retreats, maybe there's a group who loves a vacation that you can be a part of.

Cindy Mendez: 19:56

You know, melissa, I'm someone who lives in denial a lot of the time, and I like to think others do too. So for our listeners, how can they begin to identify a point where they realize they need help? What are some signs or thoughts that may be happening, that may be enable that red flag to be raised and for someone to look for help and what that help could look like, even just to start out?

Melissa Dumaz: 20:30

with. That's a great question. If you are thinking maybe I need some help, then maybe you do. Or if you have tried the current tools in your toolbox and you find that they are no longer effective or no longer working, that maybe now it's time. If you're also being challenged with, like man, there's this thing that keeps coming up for me and as much as I try to like, work it away, eat it away, pray it away, live it away, it's not going away. It's still like it's following me or it's still haunting me. That may be a sign.

Melissa Dumaz: 21:01

Or even if there's something that you've committed to like you know what I'm never going to talk about this, I'm going to put it into a chest and throw it into the depths of the sea Then that means it's time to start talking to someone. And even if, like I said at the beginning of the section, even if you've had that thought, like, is it time, I think that's enough to say it's time Because, at the very least, if you're choosing to talk to a professional, you get an opportunity for a consultation, and most professionals will offer a complimentary consultation. And so, in that consultation, doing your research, that can help to answer some of those questions on like do I want to speak to someone professionally or are there still some tools in my toolbox that I haven't explored that I want to explore myself? Or are there still some tools in my toolbox that I haven't explored that I want to explore?

Cindy Mendez: 21:41

myself and you know someone who got their undergrad in psychology and did a little bit of community work, one of the biggest things I learned was that you don't go to therapy or counseling to get the answers to your questions and it's done. So I love that you use toolbox, because I like to think of it like this you get the shovel, you provide the hammers, like you, the counselor or the therapist provides those tools, and it is the patient, or us, that needs to do the digging get in that dirt and dig that, ditch and bury out. You know those things that you need to find and work on, and that can be daunting, it's scary, especially when you know what may be laying there and you're not ready to embrace it. What may be laying there and you're not ready to embrace it. So so I do appreciate that you listed it off as preparing a toolbox, but at the end of the day, you know you are the main character in your life and so you are the one that needs to do it.

Melissa Dumaz: 22:56

Yeah and that's such a good, good way to put it the work that you as a main character need to do. But also when we think about the main character, the main character has supporting actors and the main character has direction from the director or from the writers environment even if that is from a paid coach or paid therapist that when you're connected with the right person, that work. It may feel daunting at first because it's like, shoot, I have to do this. But when you're with the right support, they're going to help you to carry that load. They can't carry it for you, like you said, cindy, but they can help to support you.

Melissa Dumaz: 23:37

And one of the visuals that I give clients is that, like my role is, I can be in different places throughout your healing journey. My role may be me in the beginning, walking in front of you as I'm like guiding you down this path, but at some point my role may be walking next to you and at some point my role may be walking behind you as you're leading yourself, ultimately getting you to a place where my role is to respectfully get fired, to put you in a position where you no longer need me or my services.

Cindy Mendez: 24:09

So I love that you put it like that. You know your job. That's probably one of the few jobs where you want to get fired. Right, you want to aim to be let go, but with that, I want to give you an even hard. You gave us a task, I'll give you a harder task here. So, as part of the show, we always end with some type of a gem or a takeaway point for our listeners, and I want to ask you listeners, and I want to ask you, what would that be here from this conversation if they heard nothing at all? Um, what would be something that you want our listeners to acknowledge or have as their point of gem.

Melissa Dumaz: 24:54

It would be a question, and that question can be a journal prompt, and that question is if I asked you to make a list of the things that you love, to make a list of the things that you prioritize, how long would it take you to add yourself to that list, based on where you put yourself, or even if at all? That gives you all the answers you need to know.

Cindy Mendez: 25:18

And that's a great exercise. You need to know and that's a great exercise. I have to say that you're right. You know that I would not be the first one on that list, but that's goes to show how much work there is, and I know a lot of the moms here. You know we weren't given a guide. Maybe some of us were, but we I wasn't, certainly, and the one that I was provided it's out of date. I think this really helps us to prioritize and and get our feelings in order.

Melissa Dumaz: 25:54

Absolutely, and I know that, like you know, some people grapple with that. Like me first. Like I got a whole family, I have a job, I have a this, I have a that, but we never. If you've ever gone on a flight or taken an airplane, we never question the, the flight attendant or the video that comes on that says in the events that you need to use your mask, put yours on first and then help the person next to you. Like we never questioned that, we never said like well, why?

Melissa Dumaz: 26:21

would I do that? Why wouldn't I put theirs on first? We say, okay, like that's the order, my mask on first and then helping the people next to me, even if the people next to me is my child, my partner. It specifically says put your mask on first and secure it and then help the people next to you. Use that same model in your life and how you take care of yourself. You.

Cindy Mendez: 26:40

Use that same model in your, in your life and how you take care of yourself. That's fantastic and really, to wrap up here, I'm going to open up the floor to you and let us know what you are doing with your practice and the services that you offer, just so our listeners can get ahold of you if needed, or or listen to your amazing podcast hold of you if needed or or listen to your amazing podcast.

Melissa Dumaz: 27:04

I am a licensed marriage and family therapist. I focus on helping people to process or to reprocess their trauma. I am specifically trained in a very specific model called EMDR, which stands for eye movement, desensitization, reprocessing. It's a very research, tried and true, powerful technique to help clients reprocess their trauma without always having to talk about the details of their trauma, and so while I am licensed in California, I have had clients to come visit me out of state that said you know what I want to work with you or I want specifically that service. But then I also offer coaching services, and coaching is not state, is not based on a state. Coaching I can do nationwide, but therapy I can only do for those who are in California, rather in person or virtual.

Melissa Dumaz: 27:50

I am a mom of three, I am married. My husband and I will be celebrating 14 years this year. I have a podcast as well, called the hats podcast, which is a space for ambitious women to come and to learn how to manage all the hats that they wear Today. We've been talking about motherhood and working and having a partner like and taking care of yourself. How do we manage all of those hats. And then I also have a book called the love challenge, which is a book for ambitious people who have the tendency to neglect their relationship, because if we're neglecting ourselves, we're probably also neglecting our relationship as well. So it just gives little tips on how to create harmony in your life and in your relationships and pour back into each other. I'm also certified in Reiki, so I do some holistic healing and wellness, and I do local holistic healing and wellness events and corporate webinars. So I myself wear a lot of hats too.

Cindy Mendez: 28:43

And we're going to put all those links below for our listeners. Thank you for tuning in to the first episode of many. I promise Make sure you are subscribed on Spotify or Apple podcast. I know that Google outdated us, so now it's just YouTube, but go subscribe to your YouTube as well. That's where the audio and video version is available, and I'm just so excited. You have to look at my new setup. You may guess what book I got into from it. Shout out to a coworker who recommended that, but I'm just so happy to have had Melissa here as our first guest and I hope that you check out her podcast and continue to subscribe to ours. And continue to subscribe to ours and I will continue to burst out these episodes to interrupt your daily grind, and I just am so happy to be back. So till later, keep interrupting.